Like all living organisms, relationships have life times. Some last longer than others.
Relationships die because of themselves. The ones die almost destruct themselves, like in the movie "Mission Impossible" The message is delivered so the cassette destroys itself in few seconds. Some relationships are just like that. They loose their purpose, attraction, and use. Overall, the meaning individuals attribute to it is gone.
It aches my heart to see individuals suffer in a dysfunctional relationship. As a therapist, though, I rather see them coming in to seeking help at any level of dysfunction, than letting their relationship to decay gradually. I am more hopeful for the relationship when I see individuals cry for help than getting sunk into their anger, or getting into affairs, or keeping on the secrets. I am more hopeful seeing them letting their anger out, arguing with each other rather than being quiet -it tells me that relationships is still alive.
Just as if these diversions allow individuals to breath, for the first time in a long time, and make them feel like they are able to maintain what is true to their hearts. However, in the long run, these diversions become the problem. Just like in addictions, first you drink to numb your pain, then you drink to numb your pain of not drinking. These diversions complicate natural dynamics in the intimate relationships.
Sometimes, it's little too late. As a hopeless optimist, I refuse to believe that it is too late. I never stop trying. You can always do something to make a difference. I will work with the relationship even on it's death-bed. If individuals are progressing toward building a wall against one another, cutting or reducing communication, distancing and emotionally withdrawing from each other then you need a surgical removal of the tumor from the relationship. Where there is a surgery there is a risk of death and a chance of life.
Sometimes while one is crying for help, and the other has already shut herself/himself in the thickest walls one can breach. In those times, your personal attempts most likely not going to work because your partner has developed a certain view of you; so s/he is not relating to you as who you are. S/he is relating you how s/he is seeing you, thorough his reality of who s/he thinks you are now.
Usually this vision is infected thorough distortions and misunderstandings in communication over time through your dysfunctional relationship.
Anger, affairs, addictions, and secrets make these walls thicker and thicker as each day passes. You will need a skillful human being to get in to your relationship and surgically remove the tumor while saving the life of your relationship. All you need to do is to pick the right surgeon, and then let the work begin with you.
When you are arguing, your relationship is still alive.
All you need is help to make it healthy again.
If you have a will you have a way;
You can do it!
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